Notes from Blighty – by Chris Cobb
- Seeking to outdo the Chinese, the British Olympic
Committee decides to re-stage the Blitz, obliterating the East End in a
light and smoke show. The Germans walk out in protest.
- Michael Phelps scoops every medal available to a male swimmer, an
incredible 23. For the next Olympics he vows to win every leg of the
relays, swim for two teams at the same time and win the pole vault.
- Exercising the power of the host country to propose a new sport,
Britain introduces the Paper Round ('Route' to the Yanks). Delivering a
900g Daily Mail held together with a rubber along the length of 2k of
suburban streets, contestants are graded for time and accuracy. Critics
contend that the event is a cynical attempt to expand the British
bicycle hegemony. Ahmed Hussain from Manchester wins.
- Running backward, Usain Bolt narrowly edges out the American Jackson
in the 100m. In the 200m he carries a pig to highlight the plight of
farmers in the Third World and wins handily over Johnson.
- In the Women's Synchronized Hammer Throw, the Hungarian team each
threw exactly 123m five, beating their nearest opponents, the Russians,
whose distances were markedly dissimilar.
- In the final medal count the Chinese have 1,209 and the rest of the
world 27. The rest of the world thinks it can do much better in 2016 in
Rio, particularly if Phelps can win the pole vault.
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